Howl Isn't A Manwhore
by emotwink6969
Summary: nO sPoilLeR WArNiNGs. We all know that Howl is at the very least a womanizer – perhaps even more. This is a collection of drabbles that focus on Howl's fetish for older women and apparent desire to vore fire demons. Starring HowlxSophie, HowlxCalcifer, and HowlxWitchoftheWaste. Each drabble was written while intoxicated.
1. Howl Proposes to Sophie

_Meanwhile, only a few minutes after the last scene of the movie._

Sophie leaned against Howl's chest. His arms wrapped around her torso. Wind blew between and around them. She rested her head into his chest, rubbing it back and forth before nestling into his shoulder. "I feel so safe and warm in your arms, Howl."

Howl lifted one of his arms and ran it through her hair. "Your hair is such a beautiful grey." He rested his cheek against her hair.

Sophie flushed. "T-thank you."

Howl chuckled and pushed her off his chest to face him. "Hey, Sophie."

Sophie's face flashed mild disappointment. "Yes, Howl?"

He reached into his pant pocket and pulled out a vial with red liquid. "I have a proposition. Look at this." He shoved his hand with the vial in front of her.

She stared wide-eyed at the potion and then him. "What is it?"

He smirked. "It's a potion."

"What?"

"To make you look older."

She took a step back, holding a hand to her mouth. "What!?"

He reached a hand to her shoulder, rubbing it tenderly, and stared at the clouds. "I just want to be reminded of how beautiful you looked when I first fell in love with you."

She bit her lip and let out a moan of confusion.

His careless smile stayed on his face. "You know, right after the Witch of the Waste put a curse on you."

Her mouth hung open. "That was one of the worst moments of my life!"

He pulled her into a hug. "I know it was, Sophie, but when I saw you walking through the mountains with your shawl, I thought my heart was about to leap out of my chest. Whenever I saw your wrinkled face, my body shiver." He planted a quick kiss on her cheek.

Her lips stayed pressed together.

He whispered into her ear, "You first caught my eye, you know, when I saw you walking to the Hat Shop. I never saw another young woman dress so closely to a grandmother than you." He squeezed her.

"Um…" She turned her head away to stare at the wooden planks beneath her feet.

"I thought you'd be worth my time thirty years from now, but then the Witch of the Waste put a curse on you that night. My heart jumped as soon as I saw you as an elderly cleaning woman in my castle."

A tear welled in my eye. "You liked me because I was old?"

Howl laughed and danced with her across the castle's balcony. "Yes! Exactly Sophie! You'd even try to discipline me like a grandmother."

She pulled away from him. "Like a grandmother?"

His face beamed as he pulled the vial next to his face. "So you'd do it, Sophie?"

"Let me think about it." She sprinted inside, slamming the door behind her. Her boots stomping against the wooden floors could be heard from outside.

He stared at the door. _She must be excited._

Distant clattering could be heard from the kitchen. It seemed that Sophie warped out of the castle.


	2. Howl Reminisces with Calcifer

Meanwhile in Howl's kitchen,

Howl trudged into the kitchen from the door. His feet pattered against the wooden floor. Calcifer illuminated the dark room from his fire pit, light flickering slightly. Howl sat on the stool in front of the fire pit. He hunched forward, putting his head into his hands.

Calcifer piped from the fire pit, "Hey, how's it going? You look like a whale sat on you."

Howl brushed a long strand of hair of his face. "Sorry, Calcifer. I've just just been thinking."

Calcifer rolled his eyes and spit some embers. "Oh, here we go. What are you doing this time?"

Howl huffed. "I'm not planning on anything."

"Oh?"

He smirked. "Remember when you fell from the sky and I swallowed you?"

Calcifier waned a bit to wince. "Yeah, I remember. That was…" He sparked a bit as he gulped. "An experience. Why do you even bring that up?"

"I was thinking about how great that felt."

Calcifer gawked at him.

Howl titled his head back at the ceiling. A gleam filled his eye. "I remember feeling you wriggle inside me. I felt so whole."

Calcifer hid behind some rocks and ashes. He whined, "If I wasn't under your contract, I'd leave this castle."

Howl leaned towards Calcifer, gleefully smiling. "But you're under my contract."

Calcifer peeked up from behind a rock. "Howl. What are you suggesting?"

Howl reached over to a plate he left out and grabbed a dirty fork. He kneeled on the fire pit.

Calcifer screamed and hid further.

Howl waved his arm and dropped the fork on the ground. "Relax, Calcifer, I'm only joking."

Calcifer unburied himself. He was unamused. "Yeah, right. Next thing I know, you'll let a wrinkly old witch get her hands on me."

Howl tilted his head back with the same smile. "Calcifer, you know I'd never do that."

Calcifer fumed. "You'd never do a lot of things."

"Yeah, I'm a wizard of my word." Howl threw a log onto Calcifer and walked away.

The next morning, Calcifer made sure to burn Howl's eggs.


	3. Howl Meets the Witch of the Waste

_A few years before the movie…._

Howl meandered down a cobblestone street. Sun made his blond hair glisten, but he was roasting. He should've left his purple jacket at the castle, but he liked how it brought out his eyes and framed his face. He could've just as easily walked on the other side of the street where the crammed buildings cast a cold shadow, but the sunlight made him the center of attention. Every few minutes a passing woman or sometimes a man would swoon at the sight of him. He appreciated their admiration, but he wasn't particularly interested in any of them. They were all either too plain or pampered.

Just as Howl turned a corner, a palanquin pulled by humanoid shadows somehow wearing navy green approached him. The palanquin hit the ground with a slight thud. The shadows let go of the handles and folded into themselves. They and their clothes curled underneath the palanquin and vanished.

A small window high-up on the palanquin slid open. A large eye with heavy eyeshadow peered out. It looked Howl over from his glistening hair to his black heeled shoes. The window clacked shut, and the palanquins door flew open. A large woman exited like a glob of proofing dough. Somehow, she stood taller and wider than her entire palanquin.

Howl tilted his head up to meet her gaze and smiled. This woman sure was something.

The woman threw her black boa behind her neck with a slight cough. She grinned and licked her lip slightly. "Hello, there handsome." Her voice was layered with rasps from years of smoke damage.

Howl walked up to her and kissed her hand. He let go off her hand with playful eyes. "It's a pleasure to meet you. Who might you be?"

"I'm the Witch of the Waste." She winked and touched part of her thigh to Howl's hips. "But I could be so much more than that."

Howl pressed back into her body. His eyes were half-lidded with pride. "Like what?"

The witch huffed. "Don't play innocent with me, boy. I've heard about you. You're a breaker of hearts."

He took a step back and brought a hand to his chest to fake shock. "Ma'am, I'd never." A wide grin ate at his face.

She scoffed. "I haven't much time to play today, so I'll be quick. You seem like a promising wizard, so I'd like a taste of your heart."

He perked up. It looks like he might have some fun today. He stuck out his tongue and giggled. "How do you plan on tasting it?"

She rested her large hand on his shoulder. "Come into my carriage, and you'll see."

"Sure."

She pulled him into her carriage and slammed him against the wall inside, trapping him between her arms.

He didn't mind. He had a nice view of her flabby neck. It wrinkled as she looked down at him.

She snapped her fingers. The door clicked shut, and the palanquin jerked upwards.

He lost his footing.

Her wide arms caught him and pulled him into a hug. Her voice had a bite to it. "Didn't think you'd be so light on your feet." She nibbled his ear. "You better last for me."

He went slack into her arms and whined, "You're so demanding."

"Do I need to teach you, boy?"

He cocked his head innocently. A strand of hair fell across his face. "Do you?"

She brushed the strand out of his face. "You're so insolent." She gave him a quick kiss and chortled. "This'll be fun. Loose your dumb jacket for me?"

He pouted and crossed his arms. "It's not dumb."

She grabbed him by the jaw and glared at him. "You'll do as I say."

Howl winked at her as he slid off his jacket. "Yes, ma'am."

"Good." She pressed him against the wall again and dragged her hands across his slender body.

Although Howl had finally moved into the shade, he was still sweating and the center of attention.

* * *

_A/N: I wasn't expecting Howl to turn out so submissive and bratty, but it kind of works with his character, lol If I do continue this, I'll probably focus on Madame Sullivan, mainly because her child servants that look like a young Howl concern me. I can't be the only one unsettled, no?_


End file.
